July 28, 2010
100 Reasons Why You Won't Read This Blog Posting

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I know you have no time. YOU know you have no time. I know you're not gonna do anything you don't wanna do. YOU know you're not gonna do anything you don't wanna do. We both know you're not going to read this blog post. It's too long and you have more important things to do.

What follows are 98 other reasons why you won't read it...

1. You don't want to.

2. You are late for a very important date.

3. You can't think of a way to monetize the experience.

4. You don't like blog postings with clever, little titles.

5. You don't know how to read.

6. You have to go to your health club to work off last night's two margaritas.

7. Someone stole your identity and you don't know who you are.

8. You've got to walk the dog.

9. You are wary of any list longer than ten.

10. Something is beeping just a few feet away from you, but you can't seem to find it.

11. It's none of my business.

12. You have to get to the airport (bathroom... meeting... dry cleaners... grocery store... movie theater).
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13. You just had three shots of tequila and when you read the title you thought it said, "50 Seasons You Won't Seed the Post Toastie."

14. You're obsessing about cash flow.

15. You've got to check your kid's Facebook messages again -- especially after reading last night's really rude ones from those 497 FB friends you've never met.

16. You're out of range.
17. You're out of time.
18. You're out of money.
19. You're out of your mind.
20. You're out of excuses.

21. Anytime anybody comes off as seeming to know what you will do or won't do, you immediately do the opposite, (but you're wise to me and realize that you'd be playing into my hands by doing the opposite, so you are not reading this, which, by the way, was exactly what I predicted.)

22. You associate lists like this with superficial feature stories in Vogue or Redbook.
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23. You realize that the entire universe is an illusion.

24. You need a break.

25. You took a break and now you're broke.

26. You have ADD or the latest medical condition invented by the pharmaceutical industry to sell you more drugs your health plan won't cover.

27. You have an acute case of blogitis.

28. You'd rather tweet.

29. You're late for your session with your therapist.

30. Your therapist would rather tweet.

31. You've got to check your Match.com page to see if anyone wants to go for a long walk with you on the beach.

32. You've got to change your e-Harmony profile. You haven't gotten an email from anyone in weeks.

33. You're thinking of starting your own business.

34. You're thinking of starting your own blog.

35. It's time to meditate.

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36. You have an undeniable need to eat chocolate, but can't find anything in the house. Wait a minute! What about that Baker's Chocolate on the back shelf?

37. The oil spill has reached your front door.

38. You're too busy complaining to anyone who will listen about Facebook's privacy policies or lack thereof.

39. You're trying to find out how you can get a free 15-day trial to my new, online creative thinking tool.

40. These two bloggers walk into a bar.

41. Anyone here from Cleveland?

42. You're waiting for this posting to come out as a YouTube video.

43. You've only got two minutes left of battery life and if you don't book a cheap flight to Chicago, you're screwed.

44. You're certain it's all part of a vast right wing conspiracy.

45. Your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/mother/father/kids are on your case for spending too much time on the computer.

46. You're in the Federal Witness Protection Program and are convinced someone will track you down for reading this.

47. The tea kettle is whistling.
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48. You're trying to figure out if the Isle of Langerhans is in the Carrribean or your pancreas.

49. You're waiting for your assistant to bring you the Executive Overview.

50. You're waiting to be important enough to have an assistant.

51. You're waiting for Godot.


52. You're a waiter and your shift starts in ten minutes.

53. The BIG GAME is on.

54. You're suspicious of anything that can't be reduced to 140 characters.

55. You're still counting hanging chads.

56. You live in New York City and have to move your car to the other side of the street.

57. It's not part of your 12-Step program.

58. Even though you had that fabulous laser surgery on both your eyes, you can't seem to find your new, inexpensive reading glasses.

59. You've just figured out how much it's going to cost to send your kids to college.

60. The Ambien's kicking in.

61. A Jehovah's Witness is at your door.
article-1250078-009275EF00000578-531_468x513.jpg 62. The pizza guy is at your door.

63. You suddenly realize you didn't order pizza.

64. Maybe it's a serial killer at your door -- not exactly the perfect time to be reading 100 reasons why you won't read this.

65. The moon is in Aquarius.

66. Your mind is in the gutter.

67. You're downloading free iPhone apps you will never use.

68. You're trying to figure out what Apple's next product that begins with "I" will be (I-Give-Up?, I-Matey?, I-Coulda-Been-A-Contenda?).

69. It's been five minutes since you've logged onto Facebook.

70. Karma.

71. You think blogging is a fad.

72. Nostradamus didn't predict it.
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73. It's not in the Bible.

74. Just because.

75. You're a big fan of Sarah Palin.

76. You read my last list of 100 things and you figure that one list of 100 from someone named Ditkoff is enough.

77. You're not as open to possibility as you think you are.

78. See # 61.

79. You just got pulled over by a state trooper who saw you about to read my blog while doing 55 mph in a hospital zone.

80. You weren't breast fed.

81. You were thinking about the need your company has to establish a sustainable culture of innovation -- the kind that would make it much easier for everyone to bring the best of their innate creativity to the table on a daily basis.

82. There's something about blogs that put you off. I mean, don't these people have anything better to do?

83. Your boss is standing in the doorway, arms folded, frowning, as if to say, "Back to work, slacker. We've got a business to run!"

84. You're feeling a compelling need to find someone who can teach you how to run kick-ass brainstorming sessions.

85. Someone's on Line 2.

86. You think there must be some kind of marketing campaign behind this and I'm probably gearing up to sell you something you don't need -- and even if you did need it, clicking this link would end up getting you a whole bunch of emails that have nothing to do with your real interest (which is to read the next item on this fabulous list of 100 reasons why you won't read this fabulous list). I rest my case.

87. You've just been acquired by Google.
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88. You figure that anyone who would bother writing a list of 100 reasons why you wouldn't read the list he wrote is either insane, unemployed, or your brother-in-law.

89. BTW, if you know of a good publisher who would be interested in publishing my next book, Wisdom at Work, contact me in the next 11 seconds.

90. You live on an asteroid.

91. Your hemorrhoids are acting up.

92. You've heard it said that reading long blog postings written by total strangers leads to the "harder stuff."

93. You're afraid of commitment. Always have been.

94. You haven't read my book yet.

95. You have more important things to do. (Then again, you always say that.)

96. You really need to get back to writing your screenplay.

97. Someone just mentioned you look a lot like Johnny Depp and you've got to find an agent fast.

98. You majored in economics.

99. Bottles of beer on the wall.

100. You're waiting for the results of the focus group.

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Posted by Mitch Ditkoff at July 28, 2010 05:06 PM

Comments

Probably 21...
Love you, glad to know you are funny as ever!

Posted by: Jule [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 10, 2010 02:06 AM

I DID just post a comment... of course I can

Posted by: Jule [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 10, 2010 02:07 AM

How many times will you keep saying I can now comment? I suppose as many times as I do..

Posted by: Jule [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 10, 2010 02:08 AM

okey-dokey.. well dong this almost as silly as the list!

Posted by: Jule [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 10, 2010 02:08 AM

I wish I had a 48 hour day ;)

Posted by: Sheila Lindsay [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 10, 2010 11:13 AM

Thanks Mitch - for getting me laughing - once again . . . !

Posted by: Barbara Bash [TypeKey Profile Page] at May 18, 2010 12:01 PM

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